The latest threat matrix:

al-Gebra

     At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual, later
discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to
board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set
square, and a calculator. Attorney General John Ashcroft believes
the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being
charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
     Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed. They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent
in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy
figures, with names like "x" and "y," and although they are
frequently referred to as "unknowns," we know they really belong to
a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country. As the great Greek philanderer
Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every angle, and if God
had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would
have given us more fingers and toes.
     Therefore, I'm extremely grateful that our government has given us
a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who
are so willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. These
statistic bastards love to inflict plane on every sphere of
influence. Under the circumferences, it's time we differentiated
their root, made our point, and drew the line.
     Remember, these weapons of math instruction have the potential to
decimal everything in their math on a scale never before seen unless
we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random
facts of vertex. As our Great Leader would say, "Read my ellipse."
Here is one principle he is uncertainty of---though they continue to
multiply, their days are numbered and the hypotenuse will tighten
around their necks.